Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
