I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
