I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
