Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
