Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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