Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
