no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
