Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
