Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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