i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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