you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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