Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
