Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
