That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize