bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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