i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
