I've blown a few things in my day
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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