I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
