god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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