How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
