So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
