the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
