She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize