Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
