I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
