pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
