If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I faked an abortion last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize