genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will pee on everything he values.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
