She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
