I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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