Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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