I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
