piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
