Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
