My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
