I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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