i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
