You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
