i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
