Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I smell like Dick and happiness
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