Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
