When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
