3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My friends, they love my intelligence
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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