and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
