So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
