My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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