My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
