he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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