I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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