Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
