How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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