what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
