peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
