I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize