I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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