Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
vagina is talking i cant
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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