Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
